NO THANKS, THANKSGIVING

                                                   
Thanksgiving is still a couple of weeks away and I’m already annoyed at all the advice that is going to be stuffed down our throats about not stuffing a lot of stuff down our throats—like stuffing. Every morning TV show has some nutritional expert advising you how to cut down your T-day meal from 5,000 calories to a mere 4,300 by substituting yogurt for mayonnaise. Yuck. Then five minutes later, Chef Emeril whips up a lemon chiffon cream cheese pie. Don’t they have TVs in the green room?
Here’s a look at some of the stupid advice that will be clogging your airways. By the way, avoid eating the candied yams too quickly. That also can clog your airways.
DON’T SIT DOWN ON AN EMPTY STOMACH:
Yes, use a chair. But seriously, if you’re afraid that you’ll eat too much, experts say eat a little something before you sit down at the table.  Like a drumstick and a bowl of mashed potatoes. Then you’ll only eat half as much for dinner.
EAT SMALLER PORTIONS:
Everyone I have ever known who did this on Thanksgiving or Christmas did it only so they had room for three more pieces of that lemon chiffon cream cheese pie (see above).
TAKE A WALK AFTER DINNER:
I’m no fitness expert, but statistics show that it takes the average American half an hour to walk off 50 calories.  At that blinding pace, you could erase all 4,300 calories from that holiday meal by simply strolling to Argentina. Yes, you’ll need to do the swim also, or you’re still 1,500 calories short.
PUT YOUR FORK DOWN BETWEEN BITES:
My uncle Sidney was a big advocate of this technique. He did manage to eat 50 percent less this way, but he also gulped down three extra glasses of high-fat eggnog and a six-pack of Bud Lite, thus eliminating the need for a fork completely.
TIGHTEN YOUR BELT A NOTCH SO YOU FEEL FULL:
Hoosiers go the other way. Many wear dress sweat pants on Turkey Day to allow for maximum expansion.  In Kentucky, some people at Thanksgiving don’t even wear pants.
TAKE ALL YOU WANT TO EAT ON YOUR PLATE AND THEN JUST EAT HALF:
Translation: Put twice as much on your plate.
AVOID ALCOHOL:
If you have ever spent Thanksgiving with annoying relatives, you know how important alcohol can be. You don’t want to be depressed over the holidays, so have a few glasses of wine, which of course will make you hungry and then you’ll overeat and that will depress you more. Am I cheering you up?
On a slightly different note, do not watch any of the TV documentaries that destroy all the folklore about Thanksgiving. You’ll be told the Pilgrims probably didn’t eat turkey; they had no cranberry relish; they didn’t have any forks. The idea of stuffing never dawned on them and there probably wasn’t a single string bean casserole on the table, assuming they had tables, which also seems open to question. Oh, and they probably didn’t have sweet potatoes. And the Indians weren’t invited. They crashed the party. The next day none of the stores were open, so they couldn’t even buy a trinket on Black Friday.  The Pilgrims had a lot of nerve even calling it Thanksgiving, which, apparently, they didn’t.

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MORE BATHROOM HUMOR

MORE BATHROOM HUMOR
Prior to beginning our home renovations, I had never been in my wife’s bathroom.  It wasn’t that I didn’t want to pay an occasional visit to her private domain; I just didn’t know the combination to the lock.

Once construction began, I assisted Mary Ellen in clearing out all the bathroom cabinets so new vanities could be installed and fresh paint applied. As I deposited items into cardboard boxes, I realized that many of the toiletries and cosmetics did not have expiration dates, thus providing Mary Ellen with the perfect excuse for having squirreled away so much stuff over the years.  Tossing out a 30-year-old jar of anti-aging cream would be an insult to the product itself.  How could it possibly get too old?
Under the sink I found refreshers, vitalizers, restorers and scrubbers. I am sure Mary Ellen has not used any of these products over the years, not because she doesn’t look refreshed, vitalized restored or well-scrubbed, but it was all tucked away in double zip-lock bags where I assume it was being readied for the eventual apocalypse.  Living in a bunker for four weeks with no food or water is frightening enough, but you can’t ask a woman to go a month underground without a moisturizer. 
I did a quick grocery-list inventory of my wife’s stash. There were jars and tubes containing mint, avocado, lemon, pineapple, almond and cucumber. A woman’s bathroom is very different from a man’s, where most of the facial products are meat based.

In one drawer I found 16 tiny tubes of toothpaste, all different, each from a different hotel where we once vacationed. I was going to give Mary Ellen a hard time about taking all these free samples, but I have 400 old USA Todays in the basement, so I totally understand compulsions.

Of course, I also have my own cabinet full of goodies that have piled up over the decades. The biggest supply was old vitamins and minerals, all purchased about 15 years ago when I had serious leg cramps and decided to take everyone’s advice on how to stop them. The problem was that everyone had different advice. Let’s see: magnesium, zinc, vitamin E, turmeric, potassium, vitamin C, folic acid, and calcium. I finally discovered the quinine in tonic water helps a lot, although I think it’s more apt to be the gin that makes the pain go away.
In my wife’s bathroom, I also discovered Ultimate Flora, a product that claims to have 100 billion different types of bacteria cells in one bottle. And this was the travel size. There was Kiss My Face Deodorant, obviously for people with really bad aim. Then there was Absolute Eye Serum for people who love their premium vodka, but want to cut down on their drinking.
I thought I had pretty much rounded up all my wife’s cosmetics when I noticed a tube of something called liquid grout colorant that had rolled behind the door. I am hoping that this was left by the workmen replacing the floor tiles, because if it fell out of Mary Ellen’s cosmetic draw, she has a lot of explaining to do.

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