Thanksgiving is still a couple of weeks away and I’m already annoyed at all the advice that is going to be stuffed down our throats about not stuffing a lot of stuff down our throats—like stuffing. Every morning TV show has some nutritional expert advising you how to cut down your T-day meal from 5,000 calories to a mere 4,300 by substituting yogurt for mayonnaise. Yuck. Then five minutes later, Chef Emeril whips up a lemon chiffon cream cheese pie. Don’t they have TVs in the green room?
Here’s a look at some of the stupid advice that will be clogging your airways. By the way, avoid eating the candied yams too quickly. That also can clog your airways.
DON’T SIT DOWN ON AN EMPTY STOMACH:
Yes, use a chair. But seriously, if you’re afraid that you’ll eat too much, experts say eat a little something before you sit down at the table. Like a drumstick and a bowl of mashed potatoes. Then you’ll only eat half as much for dinner.
EAT SMALLER PORTIONS:
Everyone I have ever known who did this on Thanksgiving or Christmas did it only so they had room for three more pieces of that lemon chiffon cream cheese pie (see above).
TAKE A WALK AFTER DINNER:
I’m no fitness expert, but statistics show that it takes the average American half an hour to walk off 50 calories. At that blinding pace, you could erase all 4,300 calories from that holiday meal by simply strolling to Argentina. Yes, you’ll need to do the swim also, or you’re still 1,500 calories short.
PUT YOUR FORK DOWN BETWEEN BITES:
My uncle Sidney was a big advocate of this technique. He did manage to eat 50 percent less this way, but he also gulped down three extra glasses of high-fat eggnog and a six-pack of Bud Lite, thus eliminating the need for a fork completely.
TIGHTEN YOUR BELT A NOTCH SO YOU FEEL FULL:
Hoosiers go the other way. Many wear dress sweat pants on Turkey Day to allow for maximum expansion. In Kentucky, some people at Thanksgiving don’t even wear pants.
TAKE ALL YOU WANT TO EAT ON YOUR PLATE AND THEN JUST EAT HALF:
Translation: Put twice as much on your plate.
If you have ever spent Thanksgiving with annoying relatives, you know how important alcohol can be. You don’t want to be depressed over the holidays, so have a few glasses of wine, which of course will make you hungry and then you’ll overeat and that will depress you more. Am I cheering you up?
On a slightly different note, do not watch any of the TV documentaries that destroy all the folklore about Thanksgiving. You’ll be told the Pilgrims probably didn’t eat turkey; they had no cranberry relish; they didn’t have any forks. The idea of stuffing never dawned on them and there probably wasn’t a single string bean casserole on the table, assuming they had tables, which also seems open to question. Oh, and they probably didn’t have sweet potatoes. And the Indians weren’t invited. They crashed the party. The next day none of the stores were open, so they couldn’t even buy a trinket on Black Friday. The Pilgrims had a lot of nerve even calling it Thanksgiving, which, apparently, they didn’t.