(As it might have been written by my wife, Mary Ellen)
Dick has been home this past week on the living room couch, recuperating from knee replacement surgery. I am his designated coach, responsible for taking care of him and ensuring that he does all the required exercises and maintains a healthy diet. I plan to do my job conscientiously. After all, that’s what wives are for.
So, because I am a good wife, I’m prepared to respond to anything Dick might need. Uh, could you excuse me for a second? He’s calling me. “Yes, of course, Sweetheart, I’ll get you a glass of water. That’s what I’m here for. There you go.”
So, as I was about to say, my husband is a very good patient and I’m sure that—“What’s that, Dear? Yes, I got the water from the tap. Oh, you wanted bottled water? Of course, that would be my pleasure. Funny, you usually say bottled water is a big waste of money. Let me just run to the store. I want to be sure you are happy.”
Sorry for the interruption. Anyway, as I was saying, I think it’s important that a wife show her love in any small way possible—“What’s that? You want some tomato soup? Of course, whatever your heart desires. There you go. Hot and delicious.”
Now back to my point about a wife’s commitment. Excuse me a sec, Dick is ringing the attendant bell again. “Yes, Dear, that was creamy tomato soup. No, I didn’t know you wanted plain tomato soup. I’ll get it next time. You want it right now? I’ll just jump in the car and be back in a jiffy.”
I’m back. Now, for you wives reading this, try to take a lesson from me on how important it is to be a loving caretaker. “What, Dick? You want another pillow? I’ll get you one. Here you go. Yes, it’s a down pillow. For 40 years all our pillows have been down pillows. But now, all of a sudden, you feel like a foam rubber pillow? Well, not a problem, let me just go down in the basement crawl space and look through 25 years of cobwebs and see if there might be one. Here you go. MAYBE THIS WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY. Sorry, I mean: I sincerely hope this makes you happy, Dear.”
Readers, I’m sorry for all these interruptions. But it’s very important to be supportive—“I’ll be right there, Dick. No, I didn’t realize that a bulb in our cathedral ceiling was out. Actually, I never even noticed we had lights up there, but then I’m not lying on my back with absolutely nothing to do all day but think of things…Sorry, let me get a new bulb and then see if I can find someone in the neighborhood with a 20-foot ladder.”
I must say that Dick has been very grateful for all my help. He even told me the other day that I was “irreplaceable.” That’s so sweet. I wish the doctor had felt that way about his knee.